The Worst Things
by Dianna Naylor on Tuesday, 13 April 2010 at 12:48
There is a phenomena called an "Anniversary Reaction". It occurs when someone has had some kind of trauma in their lives. It can show itself in a variety of ways, but usually occurs around the time of the event...hence the term "anniversary reaction". I am in the midst of this.
A lot of you don't know this, but I spent most of last year pretty sick. So sick that I didn't feel like coming home at Bruce's funeral. I just didn't want to be seen. I could not really smile, or laugh or feel like joking. I was just not...me. I hadn't been in a very long time. Being a counselor is stress inducing enough. The agency I worked for was pulling some very shady things on it's employees. I was also in a very difficult relationship with a very negative person. But, more on that later.
Back to the health issues...I had already had one surgery the previous August, and that was supposed to "cure" me.
It didn't.
By January of '09, I was getting sick again. Dry heaves, nausea, losing weight. By March, they decided it was my gallbladder and was scheduled for surgery in late April. My body had other ideas. I ended up in my physician's office, and after dry heaving in his office for 15 minutes, he decided that the surgery needed moved up. I had a fever, but they did the surgery anyway. I was GREAT for about 6 weeks.
Then came the collapse.
I spent from Memorial Day weekend until the first of August in the hospital, in the ER or in a doctors office. This is the list of what happened: acute pancreatitis, biliary duct that stopped functioning, stones in those ducts, anemia, obstructed bowel, chronic pain. ( If you don't know what pancreatitis is, it usually occurs with later stage alcoholism. It is known as one of the most painful conditions a human can have. They were not kidding. (Since I rarely drink, and am a Drug and Alcohol counselor, you might think that the irony of the situation did not escape me.)
I continued to dry heave, be nauseated and lose weight. Two employees at the agency I worked for had recently died from pancreatic cancer. There were rumors floating that I had cancer too, and was dying.
I thought that too.
I spent a lot of time in prayer. I really wanted God to take me and get this over with. The only answer I got was...Be still and know I am God.
Yeah, thanks God. (Insert sarcastic tone.)
I ended up back on my feet in August. No cancer. I was still in chronic pain. In September I saw another physician who had me take some different types of CAT scans. They found a tumor that was between my windpipe and my spine. It had entwined itself into blood vessels that fed nerves. It is a weird tumor that a lot of people have, but don't know it, but they lives out their lives and never know it is there. It was a fluke that the doctor found it. December 9th I had the last surgery.
In two weeks I was becoming ME again.
After that point I just WOKE UP. It is the only way I know how to explain it. I woke up to how I was being treated, I woke up to how valuable I really am. I woke up to knowing I cannot be separated from God's love. All I had to do was make some choices.
I did.
Well, as you can see on Facebook that a lot of things have changed for me. I feel human again, I feel loved again, I feel excited for my future again. I feel like ME.
I just realized today that I just passed 1 year from the gallbladder surgery last April.
Sometimes out of the worst things come the hidden blessings. If nothing else, I am trying to stay focused on the future, and let go of the pain of the past. So, in my ramblings here, if you choose to read them, I hope you find some gratitude.
I do.
Sickness
Health
A lot of you don't know this, but I spent most of last year pretty sick. So sick that I didn't feel like coming home at Bruce's funeral. I just didn't want to be seen. I could not really smile, or laugh or feel like joking. I was just not...me. I hadn't been in a very long time. Being a counselor is stress inducing enough. The agency I worked for was pulling some very shady things on it's employees. I was also in a very difficult relationship with a very negative person. But, more on that later.
Back to the health issues...I had already had one surgery the previous August, and that was supposed to "cure" me.
It didn't.
By January of '09, I was getting sick again. Dry heaves, nausea, losing weight. By March, they decided it was my gallbladder and was scheduled for surgery in late April. My body had other ideas. I ended up in my physician's office, and after dry heaving in his office for 15 minutes, he decided that the surgery needed moved up. I had a fever, but they did the surgery anyway. I was GREAT for about 6 weeks.
Then came the collapse.
I spent from Memorial Day weekend until the first of August in the hospital, in the ER or in a doctors office. This is the list of what happened: acute pancreatitis, biliary duct that stopped functioning, stones in those ducts, anemia, obstructed bowel, chronic pain. ( If you don't know what pancreatitis is, it usually occurs with later stage alcoholism. It is known as one of the most painful conditions a human can have. They were not kidding. (Since I rarely drink, and am a Drug and Alcohol counselor, you might think that the irony of the situation did not escape me.)
I continued to dry heave, be nauseated and lose weight. Two employees at the agency I worked for had recently died from pancreatic cancer. There were rumors floating that I had cancer too, and was dying.
I thought that too.
I spent a lot of time in prayer. I really wanted God to take me and get this over with. The only answer I got was...Be still and know I am God.
Yeah, thanks God. (Insert sarcastic tone.)
I ended up back on my feet in August. No cancer. I was still in chronic pain. In September I saw another physician who had me take some different types of CAT scans. They found a tumor that was between my windpipe and my spine. It had entwined itself into blood vessels that fed nerves. It is a weird tumor that a lot of people have, but don't know it, but they lives out their lives and never know it is there. It was a fluke that the doctor found it. December 9th I had the last surgery.
In two weeks I was becoming ME again.
After that point I just WOKE UP. It is the only way I know how to explain it. I woke up to how I was being treated, I woke up to how valuable I really am. I woke up to knowing I cannot be separated from God's love. All I had to do was make some choices.
I did.
Well, as you can see on Facebook that a lot of things have changed for me. I feel human again, I feel loved again, I feel excited for my future again. I feel like ME.
I just realized today that I just passed 1 year from the gallbladder surgery last April.
Sometimes out of the worst things come the hidden blessings. If nothing else, I am trying to stay focused on the future, and let go of the pain of the past. So, in my ramblings here, if you choose to read them, I hope you find some gratitude.
I do.
SicknessHealth
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